2nd post today

SO a little more about my world. i have a few different worlds they don't always blend but the power of facebook has brought them a bit closer together for good so far but we will have to see if that stays true. In addition at some point I will explain what happened on my other blog. For now just let it be said that a gave out to much personal info to someone who was not completely stable and when i decided it was a bad idea for us to stay in touch she went a bit crazy and started to threaten to affect my real world with private information that could have hurt me and a few others. It will make a good post some day.

Today I am facing a big day i have reached a point where I do not have enough money to pay the bills including the house payment due Thursday. I had it all worked out and the job i was supposed to deliver today was canceled Friday morning throwing me into a moment of panic and now the deep freeze because i just don't know exactly what to do.

So i a going to write a bit to distract myself and introduce myself to anyone who chooses to read this.

My first world is as a respected professional in my field. Today that feels like a fraud even though i have many accomplishments, including having written books about my field. i am hardly working it is hard to put that face forward in the world right now but i keep trying in a effort to survive.

the second me is as a triathlete not a very good one but I have a group of folks i train and ride with although this winter i have really cut back to almost no training. These folks no me as a dad and a poor athlete and a professional. One of them knows a bit more about me than i would ever let most know.

Next the PTA group I have been very active in the PTA at my sons school. i have been a soccer coach and a school dad. They know me in that way.

Now I have a group of friends I know only as a adult I met them when i was going through my divorce they are mostly single in their 30's and 40's and still go out a lot and have slightly wilder lives than my parent friends.

This enters into the other worlds in which I have a few friends the town I live in is known for being a very free and wild place anything goes. We have a very creative movement really connected to the burning man world. 

Let me say here that when i was married i was only interested in my wife no own else. ( 4 years after we split that remains a issue in my mind)

It was in this group  that i started to explore more boundaries than i would normally ever tried. In the last year I have found myself on 3 occasions in a sex club with these friends and unexpectedly enjoying myself all being very safe and still kinda shy.

However if a lot of those other sets of friends ever knew this i would be a different person in their eyes. Not that i plan on making this a regular thing in my life i was shocked at how much I enjoyed the experiences. I may right about them here. I kinda of like having a slightly secret side nothing really perverse or illegal but my own little secret. I think it allows me to still feel a sense of experimentation in my life. i had always expected that i would always be a artist exploring the world. never imagined i would be a single dad struggling to make the rent with a ex wife and maybe past my prime as a creative force. The fact that very attractive woman still want to play with me helps my very fragile ego as well. I have never had a hard time meeting women sounds egotistical but it is true. I have always been very attracted to very strong independent smart hot women. I guess the problem I have right now is I do have a girlfriend who is all of those things but hot. i am attracted to her in every way but sexually. It is frustrating.I blame all the stress in my life and keep waiting for it to change but so far it hasn't. So this little secret world that I have found myself in is also new i am not sure that it is cheating because we have sort of agreed that part of our relationship is on hold for now. At the same time i think she would be hurt if she knew. At the same time i am very safe and it has been really about losing myself from my really tough life for just a few hours. I don't get drunk i don't smoke pot. this has been the one outlet where my world get shut out for a evening so far no harm no foul. i don't even know that i will ever go back

More later i guess.this has just been a ramble but it feels good to just put it out there.. curious if anyone will ever read this but me.