So after nearly breaking down yesterday. I pulled it together not after a flurry of emails to my current girlfriend and ex wife. I really almost lost it yesterday. After dealing with everything for so long I was ready to just burst. Not someplace i usually go. Many friends have commented that I have been dealing really well considering everything that has been going on for the most part it is right. I compartmentalize well and deal one step at a time but the last few days as I became powerless to deal with my financial situation. I realized i have no one to ask for help and things are going down very very fast. i have needed just a bit of good news to grab onto and i have had none I just lost it. A big crying girly mess. My self esteem has never been lower my feeling of powerlessness has left me feeling totally unmanly. i am not a macho guy to begin with hell, I have framed Audrey Hepburn movie posters in my house. This lack of manlihood is about not being able to take care of myself. The lack of exercise and weather have not helped.

However i pulled it together in order to got to this meeting last night. It was a good meeting the  guy i met with thought my skill set and enthusiasm were a great fit for his company unfortunately he has no idea if he is going to have enough work for the company to bring me in as a consultant. i have another opportunity this weekend to meet with a very very powerful silicon valley CEO in a social context this weekend i am going to try and sell him on the idea that I am a good fit for his company. This guy is one of the top ten CEO in California and his company is still doing OK so i am hopeful that maybe this can be the beginning of a career change. i am tired of working for myself.

I need some stress relief somewhere in my life right now. Sex has been non existent and sex and exercise are the 2 ways i blow off steam. I am too stressed to even masturbate right now. I even tried this morning and got now where I was too stressed.

I can't imagine this is fun to read. i will try and make it more interesting in future entry's.....

Complete non sequiter here:

The more time i spend with my son the more i keep stuff in perspective so today i went on the school field trip to the science museum. One of the kids in the class is out of control a lot of the time. i have had a run in with the parents when i was PTA president. In many ways they are very different than a lot of the other parents. This is a public school in a very progressive area the school has a policy of healthy lunches and healthy eating so I was shocked on the school trip when this kid pulled a energy goo package out of his lunch. i use these when riding long distances, or running half marathons they are loaded with sugar and often caffeine what kind of parent packs that in a 3rd grade lunch!??!!