changes

So the girlfriend i mentioned in yesterdays post may be no more. She has been very patient and kind. She is at the end of her own rope and not happy about a lot of things. Neither of us thought I would be off my feet for so long and the stress of it has come through. Last night she didn't want to be around anyone she was in a bad mood and didn't want to pick a fight. I was up late and she always is so I called around midnight partially to find out if she was able o babysit wed  night. I had asked her a few days ago but she was not sure because it was her only night off. I had been trying to get a meeting about doing some consulting work and the only time I could meet the guy i have been trying to hook up with was at 7 30 pm Wed night before he left for Europe. So I scheduled the meeting assuming that SO would be willing to watch J because she knew how much this meeting meant for me in terms of a potential career change.

I was surprised she hesitated but I do ask a lot of her i think she needed to take care of herself for a while. I just needed to know so I had time to make other arrangements. It started a big fight. she got upset that she felt guilty for saying no but at the same time just felt like it was one more thing that kept her form taking care of her. i didn't mind making other arrangements but i needed to know. She made it clear she needed a break and I hung up in a huff saying call me in a week. i sent her a text today to say I love you. And than I did something stupid I sent her a email that said just how down i had been feeling that I felt i had become someone I didn't like someone who just takes and doesn't give back. With my family situation and my moms health and my own financial situation that is so very desperate. I have nothing left for anyone everyday is just a averted disaster for me. Yesterday i spent the day trying to keep the utilities on and trying to figure how short I was going to be on the house payment.

Seems to be no end of stress in my life it is not fair to have anyone else put up with this anymore. i offer nothing good to anyone right now.

I think it might be better to just take care of my life and not have any women or even friends get too close lest they get burned by the the black hole I am sucking people into. I don't know how this is who I have become but it is......